


Dog Days

by runawaydirtbag



Category: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (TV 2012), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Karai is an amazing friend, Leo doesn't understand that he has depression, Mental Health Issues, Somebody Help This Boy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-22
Updated: 2020-07-22
Packaged: 2021-03-05 01:35:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,904
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25446211
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/runawaydirtbag/pseuds/runawaydirtbag
Summary: Sometimes, Leo just can't find the strength to get through the day... thankfully, there's always someone looking out for him.
Comments: 3
Kudos: 62





	Dog Days

**Author's Note:**

> A oneshot I thought of while I couldn’t sleep.
> 
> TW for depression… as in this whole thing is a depiction of a depressive episode so don’t read if you’re sensitive to depression.

It’s dark in the lair and the only noise is that of dripping water and rumbling subways. 

The sound of his alarm blaring wakes Leo. He doesn’t immediately turn it off, instead slowly opening his eyes and staring blankly at the wall, thinking about how much he wishes he didn’t exist. And then he thinks about how awful it is that his first thought was that he wishes he didn’t exist.

Its days like this that make something so simple as rolling over and turning off the alarm seem impossible. But if he lets it beep any longer, he runs the risk of one of his brothers coming in to investigate… and he can’t handle that, not right now.

So, with a deep sigh and more effort than it should take, Leo rolls onto his left side and lazily reaches over to silence his alarm. The sudden silence is more deafening than the previous clamor.

Leo lets his hand fall and hang over the side of his bed. He’s not ready to get up. He doesn’t think he’ll ever be able to at this point. 

With hooded eyes, Leo slowly looks over his room. He sees his sheathed katana laying in a mess of straps, wrappings, and elbow and knee pads. They need to be sharpened and polished, but he just hasn’t been able to find the motivation.

As he scans his room, he notices other things that have been put off for too long. His room needs to be dusted and vacuumed, things need to be put back in their proper places, and he doesn’t remember the last time he washed his sheets. 

Actually, he doesn’t remember the last time he showered either… That’s another thing he’s going to have to do at some point. And he can’t forget to brush his teeth again either. His brothers are sure to notice. The last thing he needs is Raph calling him out during breakfast or in the middle of practice.

But first thing’s first, Leo has to get out of bed.

This is the hardest part of the day when he’s like this. Sometimes, it’s easy to get up, to pretend that everything’s alright for a while, but he’s always dragged back to his bed in the end. He feels like he’s wasting away in here, like his bed is also his coffin. He hates it, but he also can’t stand to leave it.

He doesn’t want to get up. He doesn’t want to get dressed or go to the bathroom or eat breakfast or see his family or go to training or watch TV. He doesn’t want to exist today.

As his thoughts continue to spiral, Leo can hear the start of running water and the light footsteps of one of his brothers passing his room, most likely headed to the kitchen.

Wow. He’s already been awake, lying in bed for over an hour now. Why does time feel like it moves far too fast, yet agonizingly slow? Leo always makes sure that he has time to meditate in the mornings. It helps him clear his mind and get ready for the day. Having that hour to relax in the relative and rare silence of their home is something he needs.

Looks like that’s not happening though, he’s wasted that opportunity.

Sighing again, Leo forces his heavy body to sit up on the edge of his bed. Darkness creeps at the corners of his vision and his head feels light. Leo lets his body sway slightly, but fights the overwhelming urge to just lie back down. 

Instead, he breathes deeply and pushes through the uncomfortable sensation. Forcing himself to stand and open his eyes, Leo once again locates his katana. These swords… they’re more than weapons. Leo cherishes them dearly, but as he lethargically stares at them, he feels more resentment than fondness.

Right now he doesn’t want them. He doesn’t want anything, or at least, he doesn’t want anything more than to lie on his bed and sleep until he feels less like… this. Leo forces his body to move forwards. Detachedly, he straps on his katana and belt, ties his bandana, secures his elbow and knee pads, and wraps his wrists and ankles. He allows the ingrained routine to carry his numb mind through the motions of getting dressed.

The sound of running water is gone and now that he thinks about it, it’s been gone for a while. He can hear the faint voice of Mikey in the kitchen, the soft beep of Donnie’s coffee machine, and the ruff grumbling of Raph. His family is already getting breakfast. He’s falling behind.

Leo decides to ignore his messy room, heading for the bathroom instead. He’ll deal with it later. 

After using the toilet, Leo washes his hands, but doesn’t bother looking in the mirror. He already knows what he’ll find there and he doesn’t want to see it. His eyes wonder though and he ends up staring at his toothbrush for a moment, considering how much effort it would take to actually pick it up, run it under water, put toothpaste on it, brush his teeth, spit, rinse the brush, put it back… and if he brushes his teeth then he’ll have to floss too. Then, because when he actually brushes his teeth and flosses, he’ll have to rinse his mouth with mouthwash as well. 

He could just brush his teeth and skip the other steps… but he physically can’t bring himself to. And if he skips those steps, then isn’t that just further testament to his inability to function today? Why couldn’t he floss and use mouthwash? It’s right there, it’s so easy to do, but maybe he’ll just do it later, or tomorrow, whichever happens first.

So, turning off the water and feeling awful and self-conscious about himself, Leo finally leaves the bathroom. The black fog laying heavily within his mind makes Leo feel like a zombie as he heads for the kitchen and he can hear the voices of his brothers a little more clearly now. 

It sounds as though Raph and Mikey are arguing over something. Words like ‘gummy bears’ and ‘pizza’ reverberate off the stone walls. Leo would smile at the conversation if he had the energy.

He hates this. He absolutely hates feeling like this, like nothing is enjoyable, like everything is pointless. The worst part is that these feelings last for days. Leo thinks this is day three or maybe four of not being able to feel anything more than sad. 

As he takes his seat at the table, Leo doesn’t bother saying his usual ‘good morning’ to his brothers. They’re too preoccupied to notice and they hardly ever respond anyways. 

There’s a nagging feeling in the back of his head that he forgot someth- oh… yeah, tea. He should at least drink some tea. Standing back up, Leo fills the kettle with water and places it on the stove. It isn’t too long before he’s pouring himself a cup, but then again, time is kind of meaningless right now.

Leo grabs his mug and sits back down. Across from him, Donnie is sipping at his own cup of coffee, still dead to the world. Mikey is enthusiastically eating one of his experimental pancakes and Raph is stabbing at his cereal with his spoon, trying to ignore Mikey’s messy eating.

Leo’s eyes fall down to his mug where it’s cradled between both of his hands. He takes a sip and then sets the mug back down on the table. 

If he pays attention, he can feel the beginnings of a headache blossoming behind his eyes. It’s a good thing he already has his tea, it should help.

It’s weird, feeling like this. Part of him feels so in tune with himself and his surroundings, hyper aware of everything going on, and another part feels so distant and dissociated, like he’s watching himself from far away. 

In the background, his brothers are talking, but he isn’t paying attention. Right now, Leo’s focusing on the chips in his mug and the scratches on the table. His eyes land on his knuckles and the backs of his hands where a mosaic of fine and thick scars alike mar his skin. He doesn’t remember many of them, but there’s a few he could never forget.

He notices a little belatedly that his brothers are getting up and placing their dishes in the sink. He should probably do the same. Taking another small sip of his tea to hopefully quell the growing headache, Leo follows suit. 

Surprisingly, he isn’t the last of his brothers to enter the dojo. Donnie must’ve had something else to do quickly because he comes rushing in a few seconds after Leo. 

Taking their places kneeled before their father, the four brothers await instruction. While he’s sitting, listening to Splinter discuss their drills for the morning, Leo feels as though his body is sinking into the floor. His head is pounding more and more with every word his father says. 

He can’t do this today. Sometimes, he can force himself to participate, to at least appear like he’s really there. But not today. He just can’t. 

If Raph thought his katas were slow before, well, watch out because this is a whole new level of sluggish. Every move feels more like he’s lifting weights than limbs. 

As his brothers complete their katas and move on to the next drill, Leo can feel a quiet anger growing. Why can’t he just snap out of this? Why does this even happen? He has no reason to feel this way, he’s beyond lucky and thankful for everything he has. He has a home, he and his family are healthy, his family and friends care about him. There’s literally no reason for this.

What’s most frustrating is that he knows soon enough he’ll just suddenly be better. Out of nowhere he’ll snap out of this dulled state and be perfectly fine again. The waiting is unbearable.

He finally starts the next drill, which involves repeating the kata with their weapons. This time, he tries to put forth more effort. He doesn’t want his family to notice that something’s wrong because there shouldn’t even be something wrong. If they asked, he’s absolutely sure he wouldn’t know what to say. He doesn’t understand it himself so how could he possibly expect them to?

His headache has morphed into something more demanding. He can feel it as it pounds oppressively. 

“-ardo? Leonardo,” he finally tunes in to his surroundings, hearing his father say his name.

From his peripheral, Leo notices that his brothers have stopped and are all staring at him. He lowers his weapons and stands straight, choosing to focus on his father instead.

“Perhaps you should take this day to rest,” he says.

Leo can hear the concern in his voice. He doesn’t want his father to worry. 

“I’m fin-,” he starts, but is immediately cut off by Raph.

“Why does he get to skip training? If it were me being lazy, you’d make me stay even longer!” there’s outrage in Raph’s tone. He’s pointing at Leo angrily and Leo can feel himself inwardly shrinking.

He can’t really argue the point, Raph’s right. 

“Leonardo,” his father says, ignoring Raph and commanding Leo’s attention, “you are dismissed.”

Splinter’s tone is final, leaving no room for further argument. Raph scoffs and crosses his arms in front of his chest, glaring daggers at Leo.

As he sheathes his katana and leaves the dojo, Leo can feel the lingering eyes of his brothers. Gods he just wants to sleep and forget this day ever happened.

When he enters his room and finally falls on his bed, Leo wraps himself in his blankets and curls in on himself. He can just barely ignore his headache and the way his body feels like it’s withering. 

Eventually, he falls asleep. 

ooo

His sleep isn’t exactly restful. He continuously wakes up and falls back to sleep in a frustrating cycle. There are moments while he’s awake that he can hear his brothers, whether it’s Mikey yelling at his video games, Raph beating up his punching bag, or Don exploding something in his lab. 

Knowing that his family is just outside his bedroom door is saddening. He’s missing out on things right now. He should be out there, interacting with and helping them… 

There are moments where his body simply won’t let him sleep, so he lays in bed, staring at the wall. Sometimes, he can feel tears welling up and spilling over onto his face. Sometimes he angrily wipes them away, other times he doesn’t bother.

ooo

The sound of buzzing wakes him up. Turning over, he notices his T-phone vibrating noisily on his bedside table. He picks it up, noticing that it’s well past 2:00 a.m. There are 23 unread messages. Sighing, Leo opens his messenger and is only slightly surprised to see that they’re all from Karai. 

She seems to have this sixth sense of knowing when Leo is feeling low. What a depressing talent… 

Any other time, he’d be overjoyed and his heart would be fluttering with excitement, but right now, he only feels even more sad. 

Before he’s able to power off his T-phone to ignore any further messages, a new one pops up on the bright screen.

‘Meet me at the water tower. Now.’

Leo sighs. She’s probably just bored or wants to spar, but part of him can’t help but be worried. There have been times in the past where she requested his presence because of things he’d rather not think about.

Getting himself to sit up is only slightly easier than it was this morning. Thankfully, his headache has died down to something more dull.

Alright, here goes nothing. 

He straps his katana back on and leaves his room. His brothers are nowhere to be seen and if the snoring coming from Raph’s room is anything to go by, he’d say they’re all asleep.

Leo makes his way out of the lair and then out of the sewers. The New York night is the same as it always is, but there’s a certain energy about it that makes him feel just a little more present. 

He finally makes it to the water tower, where he can see the form of Karai sitting on one of the steel supports. Normally, he would climb up to sit beside her, but he doesn’t have the energy to do that tonight. 

Karai seems to notice his hesitance and comes down to sit at the base of the tower, leaning back against one of the legs. Leo takes this as his que to sit beside her.  
The air is cool and a slight breeze kisses his cheeks. He usually loves these kinds of summer nights.

“What’s wrong Blue? You’ve been ignoring me all day. Getting you out here was worse than pulling teeth. I thought you’d jump at the chance to hang out with me,” she says teasingly with a hint of sarcasm. He knows she likes to taunt him because of his crush on her. 

Leo feels the corner of his mouth lift in a poor attempt to smile. 

“I guess I just… well… I don’t know, sorry,” he says quietly and it feels like his mind isn’t working right, like he can’t find any words to explain what’s going on.  
He’s met with silence as an answer and can sense her subtle staring. Maybe he shouldn’t have come out here…

“Do you need to talk?” she asks quietly, matching his tone. The irony of the situation isn’t lost on him. Usually, it’s him asking that. He can hear the sincerity behind her question though, like she actually cares about him.

“No,” he responds, looking down at his hands. His horrific, mutant hands. He’s so disgusting, he doesn’t know how she can stand to look at him. Everything about him is just wrong. How is he supposed to tell her everything on his mind when there’s too much going on and it feels like he’s shutting down? 

They simply sit together after that, neither one saying anything for a while. 

After what feels like forever, Leo turns to look at Karai who is staring blankly at the city. She looks deceivingly calm, like her own mind is spiraling. Or maybe she’s just bored and thinking of something to say so she can leave. He wouldn’t blame her if she did.

“Karai,” he says so lowly that it’s almost a whisper and when she turns her head slightly to listen, he adds, “can we just… sit here for a while?”

He just doesn’t want to be alone right now, which is odd and confusing considering all day he wanted to be left alone.

Now it’s her turn to try and fail at smiling, “Sure,” she says and, to his utter surprise, scoots closer, resting her head on his shoulder.

Any other day, he’d probably swoon at the contact. He can imagine the deep flush that would creep onto his face and the stupid stuttering that would probably follow. But that doesn’t happen. Instead, he leans his head on hers and sits in silence, listening to the sound of her breathing and the noise of the city.

As he starts to fall asleep, he whispers so quietly he barely hears himself say, “Thank you Karai.”

**Author's Note:**

> This was mostly based on my own understanding of and experience with depression. Of all the brothers, I can see Leo struggling with depression the most. Thankfully, he has Karai here to help him get through it.
> 
> Also, I’m still working on Metamorphosis, I just needed something else to focus on for a short time. A change of scenery if you will.


End file.
